12-step program for recovering Marines

You might have been wondering how Marines can re-integrate to civilian life. A friend just sent me this handy guide (which I have edited somewhat to make it more family-friendly).

1. ADMIT you have a problem. Say “I am a Marine, I have a problem.”
2. SPEECH
• Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred. It is not 0530 or
  1400; it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA awful early)

• Words like deck, rack, and “PT” will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work
  out will work better– get used to it
• “F—” cannot be used to replace whatever word you can’t think of right
  now. Try “um” instead.
• Grunting is not talking
• It’s a phone, not a radio. Conversations on a phone do not end in “out”
• People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are
  coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a
  deployment in the OCAC
3. STYLE
• Do not put creases in your jeans
• Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts
• A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest
  of the world
• You do not have to wear a belt all the time
4. WOMEN
• Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6
  month marriages, even if it is your first
• Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make
  “financial sense”, it makes you ‘SPECIAL”
5. PERSONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS
• In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your
  job
• How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
6. ALCOHOL
• In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention,
  not a “good for you”
• That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and accidentally relieved yourself in
  your closet is not a conversation starter
• That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka
  IV’s will also not be a good conversation starter
7. SPENDING HABITS
• One day, you will have to pay bills
• Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea
• Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool
• One day you will need health insurance
8. INTERACTING WITH CIVILIANS (AKA YOU):
• Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal
9. REAL JOBS
• They really can fire you
• On the flip side you really can quit
• Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal. Remember,
  they really can quit too
• Taking naps at work will not be acceptable
• Remember 9-5, not 0530 to 1800
10. THE LAW
• Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison
• Your workplace, unlike your command, can’t save you and probably won’t. In
  fact, most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out
  you’ve been arrested.
• Even McDonalds does background checks
• Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not
  yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won
11. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
• You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public
• Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it’s just pain
• They won’t wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then
  you are, so be polite
• Read the contracts before you sign them. Remember what happened the first time