12-step program for recovering Marines

You might have been wondering how Marines can re-integrate to civilian life. A friend just sent me this handy guide (which I have edited somewhat to make it more family-friendly).

  1. ADMIT you have a problem. Say “I am a Marine, I have a problem.”
  2. SPEECH
    • Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred. It is not 0530 or
      1400; it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA awful early)

    • Words like deck, rack, and “PT” will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work
      out will work better– get used to it
    • “F—” cannot be used to replace whatever word you can’t think of right
      now. Try “um” instead.
    • Grunting is not talking
    • It’s a phone, not a radio. Conversations on a phone do not end in “out”
    • People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are
      coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a
      deployment in the OCAC
  3. STYLE
    • Do not put creases in your jeans
    • Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts
    • A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest
      of the world
    • You do not have to wear a belt all the time
  4. WOMEN
    • Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6
      month marriages, even if it is your first
    • Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make
      “financial sense”, it makes you ‘SPECIAL”
  5. PERSONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS
    • In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your
      job
    • How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
  6. ALCOHOL
    • In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention,
      not a “good for you”
    • That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and accidentally relieved yourself in
      your closet is not a conversation starter
    • That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka
      IV’s will also not be a good conversation starter
  7. SPENDING HABITS
    • One day, you will have to pay bills
    • Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea
    • Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool
    • One day you will need health insurance
  8. INTERACTING WITH CIVILIANS (AKA YOU):
    • Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal
  9. REAL JOBS
    • They really can fire you
    • On the flip side you really can quit
    • Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal. Remember,
      they really can quit too
    • Taking naps at work will not be acceptable
    • Remember 9-5, not 0530 to 1800
  10. THE LAW
    • Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison
    • Your workplace, unlike your command, can’t save you and probably won’t. In
      fact, most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out
      you’ve been arrested.
    • Even McDonalds does background checks
    • Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not
      yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won
  11. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
    • You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public
    • Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it’s just pain
    • They won’t wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then
      you are, so be polite
    • Read the contracts before you sign them. Remember what happened the first time
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1 Comment

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One response to “12-step program for recovering Marines

  1. PaulB Larson

    There are only 11 steps!